Sorry for not posting in a while; it's been a pretty rough week at school and in my personal life. I haven't really had the time or energy to get in front of a computer.
Mid-term grades are in and I did surprisingly well.
Three A's and a B. Not too bad for not being as prepared as I could have been. Looking at my calendar I've realized November and December are going to absolute hell in the school department. I have two research papers due within days of each other (and by research paper I mean 10-12 pages). Ugh. Of course I had to declare an English major.
Wait! Epic tangent time!
I hate catching a lot of flack for being an English major. Ummm, it's just like any other major. Okay, granted I won't be doing brain surgery but 78% of the people who go to college with some ridiculous expectation (like double major in Bio and Chem) wind up dropping their major for something like Political Science or Philosophy. Don't get me wrong, there are people who can do the double science major and more power to them (we need people like that in the world). However, there has to be a passion driving any and all major choices. I was lucky enough to know my junior year of high school that I wanted to be a teacher and that I have a deep love for classic literature and an even deeper love for Medieval texts and rhetorical analysis.
I hear all the time that English isn't a real major. Well buddy, my basic reading schedule is approximately 300-400 pages a week (for four classes) (whether I actually do it or not is up to me) but that's how much reading is assigned. Not to mention we usually have two-three papers per class per semester. That means that taking four classes with two papers a class is eight papers of varying lengths. (and I did that math without having a math major -_-). Usually, one of the papers per class is a short six-eight pages (and yes, I said short) with the second paper usually being a longer research paper of about 10-15 pages. Now.. we're getting in double digits so the amount of pages I have to write per semester can be left to the math majors but I'm pretty sure it's a lot. So, I don't want to hear that English is an easy major. We do a lot of work. Not to mention we have to sit in a classroom full of people and fight to make thought provoking observations before the person next to us; a good portion of our time is spent being told we'll never be as good as Shakespeare and trying to outdo our peers in analysis. So, it's also a self-esteem killer.
Pretty sure I've proved my point that English is a real major that requires a substantial amount of work and dignity.
End epic rant.
Anyway, one of my most awesome friends has a video blog (yeah, I'm jealous): check it out! He's super amazing: Anderson's Vlog.
Now that's my advertising for the moment.
My personal life is a little shaky right now. So shaky that I actually purchased a self-help book to aid in the conquering of my Othello Complex. I'm super stoked about the book, Intense Jealousy. check out the link here. This doctor works a lot with mental disorders and self-help. Of course the disclaimer is that these books should never be used in substitution or replace the diagnosis of a doctor. They're best used in order to become more self-aware and in conjunction with therapeutic professional aid.
God, advertising again. So many great things in the world.
People keep telling me things about my fiance that allude to infidelity (if not outright infidelity). A girl messaged me via Facebook once and told me he was a sex addict who kept badgering her to sleep with him. Granted, they were old friends who never did anything sexual with one another and had had a falling out the night before; apparently she lied in order to get back at him. However, things keep happening regarding my fiance and his supposed "textual" affairs, we'll call them.
Needless to say, it happened again. I was told by a close friend of mine that in the spring (before we were together) my fiance had been badgering a girl to sleep with him; this girl was married and apparently having marital problems. Around the time we got together, he apparently texted her again saying that the window of opportunity for them to sleep together must have closed only with her to apparently reply that it was never opened in the first place.
The messenger is someone whom I trust. "If you confront him, he's going to deny it."
My fiance and I got into a heated argument that had me in tears screaming and his stuff packed (because I threw it all at him). I went as far as to take my engagement ring off, put it in a box and threw the tiny jewelry box on his pile of unfolded clothes.
He didn't deny it. He had fooled around with this girl before: the key word being before and the it being before we got together. He however, never remembers texting her during out relationship regarding anything about their past.
This leads me to this limbo like state. He's has admitting to have a past "fling" with this girl; however, he claims that he never texted her sexually since we've been together and that it's quite possible her time line is a little off since their fling was pretty close to the beginning of Summer/end of Spring and him and I got together in June. Regardless, I don't know what to believe. I understand that people get their time lines confused all the time. I'm guilty of this. Ask me when my ex left me and I can tell you he broke up at four year relationship on May 28 through a text message. Yet, ask me what I did last week and I have no idea.
However, this is happening a little too often for it to be just a coincidence in my opinion.
I've talked to a couple of friends and have heard two responses. 1. Follow your heart. (well, my heart wants to believe that none of it is true) but my brain screams really loud and makes my heart pretty hard to hear.
2. In my previous relationship, there were red flags everywhere but no one ever came up to me and told me a story regarding the cheating of my then boyfriend. In this relationship, there are no red flags...at all. In fact, Rob is with me a good portion of the time if he's not at work or school (and those schedules are consistent and the same every week). But, I've had people come up to me and tell me stories regarding his infidelity.
I honestly feel like my life is turning out like Othello and guess who's the protagonist that fucks up everything? I feel that since I've received warning I should be able to stop it before it happens.
The second piece of advice was trust him until he gives me a reason not to trust him. Truth: Rob has never given me a reason not to trust him; but there are other people who have given me reasons not to trust him. I don't want to play the part of the fool but I also don't want to lose someone who makes me feel as happy and as complete as he does. So, that's life in a nutshell right now and sorting it out is harder than finding the dollar bill you used fifteen years ago to buy a piece of gum.
I plan on trying to write more often but if things get a little busy, I'm going to have to take brief couple day hiatuses. I bet you can understand how life gets in the way of life.
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