-insert obligatory apology for not writing here-
***Disclaimer: Please note I do not own any of the pictures on my page. They were found via the internet. The only thing I own on this page is the writing. ****
"The only problem I have with college is I don't get to do what I want.
I get to do what I like.
But not what I want"
- 11/15/2011
Okay, so I was in class and had the urge to write. We were watching a documentary on Lorine Niedecker.This woman kept a notebook with her at all times and wrote down anything she thought she could use later. Upon her death, she had a list of stuff that she wanted burned. I was so overcome with envy that I wrote the above quote.
Begin: School Rant.
In truth, I love my college major. I love everything I do: the analysis, the research, my career goal. I don't think I would have picked English Lit. as a major and stayed with it if I hated it. However, I've come to reason that as soon as something is assigned for school, I immediately don't want to do it. I don't know if it's the pressure of being graded or as my friend said, the fact that "everything is shoved into such short time variables." Regardless, school hinders my passion. Granted, I love most things after school has finished ramming them into my head.
Example: Milton's Paradise Lost = utterly fantastic.
I HATED it while I was studying it in class.
I want to write all the time.
But, because of school, I get overwhelmed by stress and wind up sleeping when I could be blogging or working on my creative non-fiction pieces. I have adverse reactions to stress. (Trust me. Recently I've been overcome with nausea around the same time every night. Never mind that I have three 12 page papers coming up and various little other papers and assignments. My mind went right to pregnancy.) The nausea is completely new and really inconsistent. I'm either feeling horrible around eleven at night or completely fine.
I love my college major; It's not always what I feel like doing at a particular time.
Sometime I just want to blog for two hours, watch a movie, and sleep with my fiance. (I make time for all these things and then bitch at myself later because I could have been doing something productive.) I wouldn't trade these things for the world. I just wish my mind would stop bitching at me afterward.
Everything will get done. It always does. So why stress? I haven't quite figured this one out yet.
End: School Rant.
I'm pretty sure there was another section I wanted to add here. But of course, I thought about this post while going to sleep. Upon waking, I couldn't even remember the beginning of the "To be or not to be" soliloquy much less what I wanted to blog about.
Begin: Soul Mate Reasoning.
I'm a believer of soul mates. I believe there is someone who fits your soul like a puzzle piece. I believe that certain positive choices one makes in their life will lead them to this person. I also believe that there is a difference between coincidence and fate. Yes, there are coincidences. But, when something happens too frequently, it becomes signs of fate.
I grew up in Winter Haven, Florida. (I believed my soul mate would have to be someone in that region).
My aunt has lived in the same place (Baltimore, MD- same neighborhood) since she was a little girl.
A whirlwind of negative shit happened to me. The hardest thing was telling someone about it, telling someone who could help me.
I moved to Maryland into the same house that my aunt has lived in as a result.
Because of everything that happened to me, I was not in the best mental state. I was a thirteen year old who constantly thought about suicide and the next best thing to cut myself with. Let's just say I wasn't the girl you wanted to bring home to your mother.
My future fiance lived on the street over from mine. I had never met him. I never even knew he existed.
Several years prior to my moving to Maryland, he and his family moved from that house to somewhere twenty minutes away.
Around the time I moved up here, my fiance wasn't...making the best life choices. (I was thirteen. This would make him fifteen. At fifteen years old, his hallucinogen addiction started. At thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen, I was suicidal [however, I did have strong feelings opposing drug use].)
I applied to Kenwood High School (his high school) and was wait listed.
He applied to Sparrows Point High School (my alma mater) and was put into random lottery. His number wasn't chosen.
Remember that in high school, we still weren't the people we are now. I was clingy, needy, and an emotional twister. He was a drug addict.
In high school, I met my long term boyfriend, J. Granted, J and I broke up several times throughout high school and the beginning of my college career. I even dated people in between these break ups. However, I always got back together with him. Always. Even though me and everyone else knew he was no good for me.
Around the same time I was with J, Rob was with T. That relationship fell through and shortly afterward, he was convicted of a crime and sent to jail for almost a year (before you ask- he was innocent. He plead guilty to one charge. His words: "Even though I was innocent, I feel that I had made such messed up choices in life that Karma found a way to get back at me. Karma and I are even now." ). In jail, he came to terms with his addiction and began taking the necessary steps to better his life. Upon release, he had been clean for a little over a year and a half, had written a multitude of poems, began meditation and furthering his literary and philosophical knowledge.(He had been on house arrest prior to his guilty plea.)
I was still struggle with J and the inability to live without him even though the relationship was toxic.I was struggling with my emotional state and agreed to grief therapy nine years after the death of my mother. My mom's death was the jump start to my weak mental state and emotional disconnect.
Rob got out of jail in December.
He dated several people between December and May.
J and I broke up in May.
This time, I knew the break up between J and I was permanent.
I made a Plenty of Fish account.
I was there for shallow reasons: I wanted guys to tell me I was pretty. J aided in the destruction of my self-esteem to a dangerous low. I wanted to find guys that were friends and guys to give me compliments.
I made sure that every guy I talked to knew I wasn't ready for a relationship.
I messaged Rob first, commenting on his musical tastes.
We met two weeks later for lunch. (I say it wasn't a date. He claims it was. I made it clear it wasn't a date prior to going out. However, seeing how things ended up, it probably was a date.)
Started dating about three weeks later.
And were engaged two months later.
He lives 15 minutes away.
At this point in our lives, we were the best we had ever been.
And finally, the "forces that be" let us meet each other.
Take this how you will. It seems more than coincidence to me. How do you just barely miss the opportunity to meet someone for years (though you both are in no shape for a healthy relationship)? Think about it.
I'm thoroughly convinced my fiance is my soul mate. Not just because of how well we compliment one another, not only because of the way he makes me feel (utterly complete), but also because the "forces that be" kept us away from one another in our worst states and had us meet each other at the best points in our lives. Upon meeting him, everything seemed to fall into place- and quickly. He says the same about me.
I believe in soul mates.
End: Soul Mate Reasoning
Think of something special in your life. How did it get there? How long was it there before you even noticed it? How long has it truly been yours?
Maybe forever.
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