It's been awhile and for that I am truly sorry. Not only to my readers but also to myself. I realize I'm less stressed when I write.
Aside from a copious amount of papers of which the due dates are coming rapidly, I've been haunted by nightmares lately (yes, that's passive voice for a reason). I love sleeping. I don't like sleeping when my ex-boyfriend shows up in my dreams. I've realized that my dream self is completely different than the person I am consciously. I'm not a cheater or malicious; yet dream me thinks it's okay to cheat and steal from the people I love. I could never do that to anyone.
The Insane Jealousy book came in and of course, I read most of it the day I got it. I took a highlighter to the pages and learned a lot. One of the help-techniques is to do a role reversal. I told Rob about it and he's down for the idea. Of course, it's important that at the end of the activity to let the other person know that it was an exercise in order to show the person how they make the other feel. I want to get a better grasp on the causes and different manifestations of extreme jealousy before I start to tackle the help-techniques. How can I change something I don't completely understand?
I'm pretty sure infidelity shows up in my dreams because it's something that I fear. However, since I'm also writing a piece of creative non-fiction regarding my ex, it's almost as if I'm reliving our relationships. Of course he's going to be in the back of my mind. When we first broke up and I started dating my fiance, I was having dreams about my ex. They dispersed shortly afterward and now are coming back. These dreams make me sleep restlessly and usually upon waking up, my pillows are thrown across the bed and my mattress is crooked, almost falling off the bed. Needless to say, my ex and I didn't have a healthy relationship. In fact, near the end of our relationship, we were together because we were to afraid to find other people (even though we knew we would be happier elsewhere). I would be lying if I said I didn't love him. On the contrary, I did everything for that boy. I got him into college (I filled out his application and wrote his essay). I wrote a lot of his papers (because he said he had a problem with comprehension). I gave him money and all of my time and energy. Our relationship was one sided. My parents hated him. My friends hated him. He blamed that on me. He said I told them negative things about him and that's why no one liked him. In fact, no one liked him because of him. There were rules in our relationship I was expected to follow.
I wasn't allowed to stop by his room unannounced- I had to call or text first.
Towards the end, he didn't want me to spend the night. We could only sleep together if he fell asleep first.
I wasn't allowed to touch his cell phone.
He had me blocked from Facebook and Twitter.
He didn't like the amount I ate, and tried to monitor it as often as he could.
We fist fought. I was submissive because any time we fought he would threaten to leave me. I was afraid of him leaving, so I would give up. Sometimes I would get mad enough to tell him it was over and I would get no reaction out of him. He always said, "I know you're going to come back. Why should I waste the energy?"
We were in couples therapy at ages 19 and 20. How pathetic is that? Even in therapy he would lie to the therapist and the bitch at me later about the things we brought up.
I want to believe that he loved me. In fact, I know deep down he loved me some how. I think that a lot of it was a power struggle and a desire to not be alone.
When I met my fiance, I told him I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I told him that I just wanted to find guys that were friends. Less than three months later, I was engaged. Rob would stop at nothing for me to agree to be his girlfriend. He wrote me poems, brought me flowers. He courted me like any prince would. Of course, my brain told me it hadn't been long enough to start another relationship. (My ex and I had broken up in May and it was June [did I mention my ex and I had been together four years and he left me through a TEXT message?]). Eventually, my parents sat me down and told me that just because I don't say something, doesn't me it doesn't exist. "You act like his girlfriend. Face it, even though you haven't agreed to anything, he's yours." A couple days later, I made it official with a sign:
"I'll be your girlfriend but if you hurt me, I'll kill you. <3"
That was June 17th. On August 17th, he proposed to me in a nighttime picnic behind his house. Granted, I knew he was going to (Rob's terrible at keeping secrets) but I still cried.
I've told myself repeatedly that I don't deserve someone to love me. I don't deserve kindness and compassion. Everyone leaves eventually.
"Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you."
- The Gaslight Anthem
I can't believe anything he says. No matter how cute, no matter how much I'd like to believe that what he's telling me is true- it's so hard. He asks me all the time why I can love him and why he can't love me?
"How is it possible that you can feel a certain way about me but I can't feel the exact same way about you?"
The truth is- I don't know. I have a lot of problems. It's like this weird Catch-22 where I want to be loved but I'm not allowed to actually be cared about.
This probably stems from my past relationships (especially with mentioned ex) and my abandonment issues revolving around my mother's death. I can only work on so much at a time.
I just hope I don't run out of time. Is there a time limit on love?
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