There are words that just sound...gross. In random conversations with my friends, I'll comment whenever a word is used that...UGH!
Without further ado, here's a list of words that sound disgusting:
-Moist
-Boobs/Booby
-Titty
-Pussy
-Cranny
-Granny
-Mush
-Luger
-Boogie
-Creamed/Creamy
-Syphilis
-Vag
-Tutu
-Poot
-Cooky (rhymes with spooky)
-Slime
So, that's about all I have right now. I'm watching Bridezilla's and taking pointers. (Just kidding. These people are ridiculous.)
Seriously, this girl and her fiance are getting tattoos and she cheated on him with the tattoo artist.
-_- I worry about the sanctity of marriage. But more on that later. I really have to get started on this paper that's due at 11 P.M. tonight. Procrastination for the win!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Unsent Letter 1: J. (Note: names have been omitted to protect those involved)
J-,
I want to thank you. I know that sounds odd considering where we are in our lives right now. I think the only way to let completely go is to tell you what you've taught me.
Thank you for letting me know what it truly meant to love someone; and thank you for teaching me what it was like to lose someone whom I'd bestowed so much love and time upon. I loved you. Nothing can dispute that fact. I'm starting to love the things you taught me- the things that made me a better person and a more loving and understand individual. In truth, you were my first love. You are my kryptonite. Toxic.
"I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned."
-Savage Garden
Thank you for letting me know what I deserve. I don't deserve to be hit or told every single day how fat and ugly I am. I don't deserve to have my food monitored or be told that I can't have certain things. I shouldn't be called a bitch and every other foul name. I don't deserve to be the butt of your joke. I deserve to be happy seven days a week- not just two.
Thank you for showing me how to communicate. I learned from you how a fight shouldn't go and as a result of your examples, my current thoughts regarding relationship fighting has changed significantly. I now know the importance of fighting in a relationship- I know what is worth the fight and what should just be dismissed. I know how to conduct a civil argument and how to avoid guilt trips and personal attacks.
Thank you for showing me how to truly love another individual. Throughout our relationship, you showed me utter beauty and complete chaos. You had me at my worst and brought me up to my best. But-- it is through you that I learned that's not how relationships work. A relationship isn't meant to make you; it's meant to mold you. In a relationship, you don't put someone at their worst or their best- you aid them in their times of need and do everything you can to make them feel the best they can. You show them compassion, sincerity, and understanding. You don't mold them; you mold with them.
You have made me a better person and for that, I can't really hate you.
I hate the things you did to me; that goes without needing to be said. I resent the negative times we had and adore the few and far between moments in which you showed me compassion and love.
You showed me what love could be.
You made me learn things and made me mature in ways I may not have without you.
And for that, I give you thanks.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you will never again be a part of my life. But, your life lessons will stay with me as you become a distant shadow in my past. Your place in my life had a purpose- a deep, meaningful purpose. And now that that purpose has been fulfilled, it's time to move on.
"Some things you just don't question..."
-Savage Garden
Sincerely,
Luna-C
I want to thank you. I know that sounds odd considering where we are in our lives right now. I think the only way to let completely go is to tell you what you've taught me.
Thank you for letting me know what it truly meant to love someone; and thank you for teaching me what it was like to lose someone whom I'd bestowed so much love and time upon. I loved you. Nothing can dispute that fact. I'm starting to love the things you taught me- the things that made me a better person and a more loving and understand individual. In truth, you were my first love. You are my kryptonite. Toxic.
"I believe you can't appreciate real love until you've been burned."
-Savage Garden
Thank you for letting me know what I deserve. I don't deserve to be hit or told every single day how fat and ugly I am. I don't deserve to have my food monitored or be told that I can't have certain things. I shouldn't be called a bitch and every other foul name. I don't deserve to be the butt of your joke. I deserve to be happy seven days a week- not just two.
Thank you for showing me how to communicate. I learned from you how a fight shouldn't go and as a result of your examples, my current thoughts regarding relationship fighting has changed significantly. I now know the importance of fighting in a relationship- I know what is worth the fight and what should just be dismissed. I know how to conduct a civil argument and how to avoid guilt trips and personal attacks.
Thank you for showing me how to truly love another individual. Throughout our relationship, you showed me utter beauty and complete chaos. You had me at my worst and brought me up to my best. But-- it is through you that I learned that's not how relationships work. A relationship isn't meant to make you; it's meant to mold you. In a relationship, you don't put someone at their worst or their best- you aid them in their times of need and do everything you can to make them feel the best they can. You show them compassion, sincerity, and understanding. You don't mold them; you mold with them.
You have made me a better person and for that, I can't really hate you.
I hate the things you did to me; that goes without needing to be said. I resent the negative times we had and adore the few and far between moments in which you showed me compassion and love.
You showed me what love could be.
You made me learn things and made me mature in ways I may not have without you.
And for that, I give you thanks.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you will never again be a part of my life. But, your life lessons will stay with me as you become a distant shadow in my past. Your place in my life had a purpose- a deep, meaningful purpose. And now that that purpose has been fulfilled, it's time to move on.
"Some things you just don't question..."
-Savage Garden
Sincerely,
Luna-C
Disclaimer/School Rant/ Soul Mate Reasoning
-insert obligatory apology for not writing here-
***Disclaimer: Please note I do not own any of the pictures on my page. They were found via the internet. The only thing I own on this page is the writing. ****
"The only problem I have with college is I don't get to do what I want.
I get to do what I like.
But not what I want"
- 11/15/2011
Okay, so I was in class and had the urge to write. We were watching a documentary on Lorine Niedecker.This woman kept a notebook with her at all times and wrote down anything she thought she could use later. Upon her death, she had a list of stuff that she wanted burned. I was so overcome with envy that I wrote the above quote.
Begin: School Rant.
In truth, I love my college major. I love everything I do: the analysis, the research, my career goal. I don't think I would have picked English Lit. as a major and stayed with it if I hated it. However, I've come to reason that as soon as something is assigned for school, I immediately don't want to do it. I don't know if it's the pressure of being graded or as my friend said, the fact that "everything is shoved into such short time variables." Regardless, school hinders my passion. Granted, I love most things after school has finished ramming them into my head.
Example: Milton's Paradise Lost = utterly fantastic.
I HATED it while I was studying it in class.
I want to write all the time.
But, because of school, I get overwhelmed by stress and wind up sleeping when I could be blogging or working on my creative non-fiction pieces. I have adverse reactions to stress. (Trust me. Recently I've been overcome with nausea around the same time every night. Never mind that I have three 12 page papers coming up and various little other papers and assignments. My mind went right to pregnancy.) The nausea is completely new and really inconsistent. I'm either feeling horrible around eleven at night or completely fine.
I love my college major; It's not always what I feel like doing at a particular time.
Sometime I just want to blog for two hours, watch a movie, and sleep with my fiance. (I make time for all these things and then bitch at myself later because I could have been doing something productive.) I wouldn't trade these things for the world. I just wish my mind would stop bitching at me afterward.
Everything will get done. It always does. So why stress? I haven't quite figured this one out yet.
End: School Rant.
I'm pretty sure there was another section I wanted to add here. But of course, I thought about this post while going to sleep. Upon waking, I couldn't even remember the beginning of the "To be or not to be" soliloquy much less what I wanted to blog about.
Begin: Soul Mate Reasoning.
I'm a believer of soul mates. I believe there is someone who fits your soul like a puzzle piece. I believe that certain positive choices one makes in their life will lead them to this person. I also believe that there is a difference between coincidence and fate. Yes, there are coincidences. But, when something happens too frequently, it becomes signs of fate.
I grew up in Winter Haven, Florida. (I believed my soul mate would have to be someone in that region).
My aunt has lived in the same place (Baltimore, MD- same neighborhood) since she was a little girl.
A whirlwind of negative shit happened to me. The hardest thing was telling someone about it, telling someone who could help me.
I moved to Maryland into the same house that my aunt has lived in as a result.
Because of everything that happened to me, I was not in the best mental state. I was a thirteen year old who constantly thought about suicide and the next best thing to cut myself with. Let's just say I wasn't the girl you wanted to bring home to your mother.
My future fiance lived on the street over from mine. I had never met him. I never even knew he existed.
Several years prior to my moving to Maryland, he and his family moved from that house to somewhere twenty minutes away.
Around the time I moved up here, my fiance wasn't...making the best life choices. (I was thirteen. This would make him fifteen. At fifteen years old, his hallucinogen addiction started. At thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, and seventeen, I was suicidal [however, I did have strong feelings opposing drug use].)
I applied to Kenwood High School (his high school) and was wait listed.
He applied to Sparrows Point High School (my alma mater) and was put into random lottery. His number wasn't chosen.
Remember that in high school, we still weren't the people we are now. I was clingy, needy, and an emotional twister. He was a drug addict.
In high school, I met my long term boyfriend, J. Granted, J and I broke up several times throughout high school and the beginning of my college career. I even dated people in between these break ups. However, I always got back together with him. Always. Even though me and everyone else knew he was no good for me.
Around the same time I was with J, Rob was with T. That relationship fell through and shortly afterward, he was convicted of a crime and sent to jail for almost a year (before you ask- he was innocent. He plead guilty to one charge. His words: "Even though I was innocent, I feel that I had made such messed up choices in life that Karma found a way to get back at me. Karma and I are even now." ). In jail, he came to terms with his addiction and began taking the necessary steps to better his life. Upon release, he had been clean for a little over a year and a half, had written a multitude of poems, began meditation and furthering his literary and philosophical knowledge.(He had been on house arrest prior to his guilty plea.)
I was still struggle with J and the inability to live without him even though the relationship was toxic.I was struggling with my emotional state and agreed to grief therapy nine years after the death of my mother. My mom's death was the jump start to my weak mental state and emotional disconnect.
Rob got out of jail in December.
He dated several people between December and May.
J and I broke up in May.
This time, I knew the break up between J and I was permanent.
I made a Plenty of Fish account.
I was there for shallow reasons: I wanted guys to tell me I was pretty. J aided in the destruction of my self-esteem to a dangerous low. I wanted to find guys that were friends and guys to give me compliments.
I made sure that every guy I talked to knew I wasn't ready for a relationship.
I messaged Rob first, commenting on his musical tastes.
We met two weeks later for lunch. (I say it wasn't a date. He claims it was. I made it clear it wasn't a date prior to going out. However, seeing how things ended up, it probably was a date.)
Started dating about three weeks later.
And were engaged two months later.
He lives 15 minutes away.
At this point in our lives, we were the best we had ever been.
And finally, the "forces that be" let us meet each other.
Take this how you will. It seems more than coincidence to me. How do you just barely miss the opportunity to meet someone for years (though you both are in no shape for a healthy relationship)? Think about it.
I'm thoroughly convinced my fiance is my soul mate. Not just because of how well we compliment one another, not only because of the way he makes me feel (utterly complete), but also because the "forces that be" kept us away from one another in our worst states and had us meet each other at the best points in our lives. Upon meeting him, everything seemed to fall into place- and quickly. He says the same about me.
I believe in soul mates.
End: Soul Mate Reasoning
Think of something special in your life. How did it get there? How long was it there before you even noticed it? How long has it truly been yours?
Maybe forever.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Nightmares and a Time Limit on Love
It's been awhile and for that I am truly sorry. Not only to my readers but also to myself. I realize I'm less stressed when I write.
Aside from a copious amount of papers of which the due dates are coming rapidly, I've been haunted by nightmares lately (yes, that's passive voice for a reason). I love sleeping. I don't like sleeping when my ex-boyfriend shows up in my dreams. I've realized that my dream self is completely different than the person I am consciously. I'm not a cheater or malicious; yet dream me thinks it's okay to cheat and steal from the people I love. I could never do that to anyone.
The Insane Jealousy book came in and of course, I read most of it the day I got it. I took a highlighter to the pages and learned a lot. One of the help-techniques is to do a role reversal. I told Rob about it and he's down for the idea. Of course, it's important that at the end of the activity to let the other person know that it was an exercise in order to show the person how they make the other feel. I want to get a better grasp on the causes and different manifestations of extreme jealousy before I start to tackle the help-techniques. How can I change something I don't completely understand?
I'm pretty sure infidelity shows up in my dreams because it's something that I fear. However, since I'm also writing a piece of creative non-fiction regarding my ex, it's almost as if I'm reliving our relationships. Of course he's going to be in the back of my mind. When we first broke up and I started dating my fiance, I was having dreams about my ex. They dispersed shortly afterward and now are coming back. These dreams make me sleep restlessly and usually upon waking up, my pillows are thrown across the bed and my mattress is crooked, almost falling off the bed. Needless to say, my ex and I didn't have a healthy relationship. In fact, near the end of our relationship, we were together because we were to afraid to find other people (even though we knew we would be happier elsewhere). I would be lying if I said I didn't love him. On the contrary, I did everything for that boy. I got him into college (I filled out his application and wrote his essay). I wrote a lot of his papers (because he said he had a problem with comprehension). I gave him money and all of my time and energy. Our relationship was one sided. My parents hated him. My friends hated him. He blamed that on me. He said I told them negative things about him and that's why no one liked him. In fact, no one liked him because of him. There were rules in our relationship I was expected to follow.
I wasn't allowed to stop by his room unannounced- I had to call or text first.
Towards the end, he didn't want me to spend the night. We could only sleep together if he fell asleep first.
I wasn't allowed to touch his cell phone.
He had me blocked from Facebook and Twitter.
He didn't like the amount I ate, and tried to monitor it as often as he could.
We fist fought. I was submissive because any time we fought he would threaten to leave me. I was afraid of him leaving, so I would give up. Sometimes I would get mad enough to tell him it was over and I would get no reaction out of him. He always said, "I know you're going to come back. Why should I waste the energy?"
We were in couples therapy at ages 19 and 20. How pathetic is that? Even in therapy he would lie to the therapist and the bitch at me later about the things we brought up.
I want to believe that he loved me. In fact, I know deep down he loved me some how. I think that a lot of it was a power struggle and a desire to not be alone.
When I met my fiance, I told him I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I told him that I just wanted to find guys that were friends. Less than three months later, I was engaged. Rob would stop at nothing for me to agree to be his girlfriend. He wrote me poems, brought me flowers. He courted me like any prince would. Of course, my brain told me it hadn't been long enough to start another relationship. (My ex and I had broken up in May and it was June [did I mention my ex and I had been together four years and he left me through a TEXT message?]). Eventually, my parents sat me down and told me that just because I don't say something, doesn't me it doesn't exist. "You act like his girlfriend. Face it, even though you haven't agreed to anything, he's yours." A couple days later, I made it official with a sign:
"I'll be your girlfriend but if you hurt me, I'll kill you. <3"
That was June 17th. On August 17th, he proposed to me in a nighttime picnic behind his house. Granted, I knew he was going to (Rob's terrible at keeping secrets) but I still cried.
I've told myself repeatedly that I don't deserve someone to love me. I don't deserve kindness and compassion. Everyone leaves eventually.
"Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you."
- The Gaslight Anthem
I can't believe anything he says. No matter how cute, no matter how much I'd like to believe that what he's telling me is true- it's so hard. He asks me all the time why I can love him and why he can't love me?
"How is it possible that you can feel a certain way about me but I can't feel the exact same way about you?"
The truth is- I don't know. I have a lot of problems. It's like this weird Catch-22 where I want to be loved but I'm not allowed to actually be cared about.
This probably stems from my past relationships (especially with mentioned ex) and my abandonment issues revolving around my mother's death. I can only work on so much at a time.
I just hope I don't run out of time. Is there a time limit on love?
Aside from a copious amount of papers of which the due dates are coming rapidly, I've been haunted by nightmares lately (yes, that's passive voice for a reason). I love sleeping. I don't like sleeping when my ex-boyfriend shows up in my dreams. I've realized that my dream self is completely different than the person I am consciously. I'm not a cheater or malicious; yet dream me thinks it's okay to cheat and steal from the people I love. I could never do that to anyone.
The Insane Jealousy book came in and of course, I read most of it the day I got it. I took a highlighter to the pages and learned a lot. One of the help-techniques is to do a role reversal. I told Rob about it and he's down for the idea. Of course, it's important that at the end of the activity to let the other person know that it was an exercise in order to show the person how they make the other feel. I want to get a better grasp on the causes and different manifestations of extreme jealousy before I start to tackle the help-techniques. How can I change something I don't completely understand?
I'm pretty sure infidelity shows up in my dreams because it's something that I fear. However, since I'm also writing a piece of creative non-fiction regarding my ex, it's almost as if I'm reliving our relationships. Of course he's going to be in the back of my mind. When we first broke up and I started dating my fiance, I was having dreams about my ex. They dispersed shortly afterward and now are coming back. These dreams make me sleep restlessly and usually upon waking up, my pillows are thrown across the bed and my mattress is crooked, almost falling off the bed. Needless to say, my ex and I didn't have a healthy relationship. In fact, near the end of our relationship, we were together because we were to afraid to find other people (even though we knew we would be happier elsewhere). I would be lying if I said I didn't love him. On the contrary, I did everything for that boy. I got him into college (I filled out his application and wrote his essay). I wrote a lot of his papers (because he said he had a problem with comprehension). I gave him money and all of my time and energy. Our relationship was one sided. My parents hated him. My friends hated him. He blamed that on me. He said I told them negative things about him and that's why no one liked him. In fact, no one liked him because of him. There were rules in our relationship I was expected to follow.
I wasn't allowed to stop by his room unannounced- I had to call or text first.
Towards the end, he didn't want me to spend the night. We could only sleep together if he fell asleep first.
I wasn't allowed to touch his cell phone.
He had me blocked from Facebook and Twitter.
He didn't like the amount I ate, and tried to monitor it as often as he could.
We fist fought. I was submissive because any time we fought he would threaten to leave me. I was afraid of him leaving, so I would give up. Sometimes I would get mad enough to tell him it was over and I would get no reaction out of him. He always said, "I know you're going to come back. Why should I waste the energy?"
We were in couples therapy at ages 19 and 20. How pathetic is that? Even in therapy he would lie to the therapist and the bitch at me later about the things we brought up.
I want to believe that he loved me. In fact, I know deep down he loved me some how. I think that a lot of it was a power struggle and a desire to not be alone.
When I met my fiance, I told him I wasn't ready for a boyfriend. I told him that I just wanted to find guys that were friends. Less than three months later, I was engaged. Rob would stop at nothing for me to agree to be his girlfriend. He wrote me poems, brought me flowers. He courted me like any prince would. Of course, my brain told me it hadn't been long enough to start another relationship. (My ex and I had broken up in May and it was June [did I mention my ex and I had been together four years and he left me through a TEXT message?]). Eventually, my parents sat me down and told me that just because I don't say something, doesn't me it doesn't exist. "You act like his girlfriend. Face it, even though you haven't agreed to anything, he's yours." A couple days later, I made it official with a sign:
"I'll be your girlfriend but if you hurt me, I'll kill you. <3"
That was June 17th. On August 17th, he proposed to me in a nighttime picnic behind his house. Granted, I knew he was going to (Rob's terrible at keeping secrets) but I still cried.
I've told myself repeatedly that I don't deserve someone to love me. I don't deserve kindness and compassion. Everyone leaves eventually.
"Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you."
- The Gaslight Anthem
I can't believe anything he says. No matter how cute, no matter how much I'd like to believe that what he's telling me is true- it's so hard. He asks me all the time why I can love him and why he can't love me?
"How is it possible that you can feel a certain way about me but I can't feel the exact same way about you?"
The truth is- I don't know. I have a lot of problems. It's like this weird Catch-22 where I want to be loved but I'm not allowed to actually be cared about.
This probably stems from my past relationships (especially with mentioned ex) and my abandonment issues revolving around my mother's death. I can only work on so much at a time.
I just hope I don't run out of time. Is there a time limit on love?
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
College: Why you no easy? and Way to go, Othello.
Sorry for not posting in a while; it's been a pretty rough week at school and in my personal life. I haven't really had the time or energy to get in front of a computer.
Mid-term grades are in and I did surprisingly well.
Three A's and a B. Not too bad for not being as prepared as I could have been. Looking at my calendar I've realized November and December are going to absolute hell in the school department. I have two research papers due within days of each other (and by research paper I mean 10-12 pages). Ugh. Of course I had to declare an English major.
Wait! Epic tangent time!
I hate catching a lot of flack for being an English major. Ummm, it's just like any other major. Okay, granted I won't be doing brain surgery but 78% of the people who go to college with some ridiculous expectation (like double major in Bio and Chem) wind up dropping their major for something like Political Science or Philosophy. Don't get me wrong, there are people who can do the double science major and more power to them (we need people like that in the world). However, there has to be a passion driving any and all major choices. I was lucky enough to know my junior year of high school that I wanted to be a teacher and that I have a deep love for classic literature and an even deeper love for Medieval texts and rhetorical analysis.
I hear all the time that English isn't a real major. Well buddy, my basic reading schedule is approximately 300-400 pages a week (for four classes) (whether I actually do it or not is up to me) but that's how much reading is assigned. Not to mention we usually have two-three papers per class per semester. That means that taking four classes with two papers a class is eight papers of varying lengths. (and I did that math without having a math major -_-). Usually, one of the papers per class is a short six-eight pages (and yes, I said short) with the second paper usually being a longer research paper of about 10-15 pages. Now.. we're getting in double digits so the amount of pages I have to write per semester can be left to the math majors but I'm pretty sure it's a lot. So, I don't want to hear that English is an easy major. We do a lot of work. Not to mention we have to sit in a classroom full of people and fight to make thought provoking observations before the person next to us; a good portion of our time is spent being told we'll never be as good as Shakespeare and trying to outdo our peers in analysis. So, it's also a self-esteem killer.
Pretty sure I've proved my point that English is a real major that requires a substantial amount of work and dignity.
End epic rant.
Anyway, one of my most awesome friends has a video blog (yeah, I'm jealous): check it out! He's super amazing: Anderson's Vlog.
Now that's my advertising for the moment.
My personal life is a little shaky right now. So shaky that I actually purchased a self-help book to aid in the conquering of my Othello Complex. I'm super stoked about the book, Intense Jealousy. check out the link here. This doctor works a lot with mental disorders and self-help. Of course the disclaimer is that these books should never be used in substitution or replace the diagnosis of a doctor. They're best used in order to become more self-aware and in conjunction with therapeutic professional aid.
God, advertising again. So many great things in the world.
People keep telling me things about my fiance that allude to infidelity (if not outright infidelity). A girl messaged me via Facebook once and told me he was a sex addict who kept badgering her to sleep with him. Granted, they were old friends who never did anything sexual with one another and had had a falling out the night before; apparently she lied in order to get back at him. However, things keep happening regarding my fiance and his supposed "textual" affairs, we'll call them.
Needless to say, it happened again. I was told by a close friend of mine that in the spring (before we were together) my fiance had been badgering a girl to sleep with him; this girl was married and apparently having marital problems. Around the time we got together, he apparently texted her again saying that the window of opportunity for them to sleep together must have closed only with her to apparently reply that it was never opened in the first place.
The messenger is someone whom I trust. "If you confront him, he's going to deny it."
My fiance and I got into a heated argument that had me in tears screaming and his stuff packed (because I threw it all at him). I went as far as to take my engagement ring off, put it in a box and threw the tiny jewelry box on his pile of unfolded clothes.
He didn't deny it. He had fooled around with this girl before: the key word being before and the it being before we got together. He however, never remembers texting her during out relationship regarding anything about their past.
This leads me to this limbo like state. He's has admitting to have a past "fling" with this girl; however, he claims that he never texted her sexually since we've been together and that it's quite possible her time line is a little off since their fling was pretty close to the beginning of Summer/end of Spring and him and I got together in June. Regardless, I don't know what to believe. I understand that people get their time lines confused all the time. I'm guilty of this. Ask me when my ex left me and I can tell you he broke up at four year relationship on May 28 through a text message. Yet, ask me what I did last week and I have no idea.
However, this is happening a little too often for it to be just a coincidence in my opinion.
I've talked to a couple of friends and have heard two responses. 1. Follow your heart. (well, my heart wants to believe that none of it is true) but my brain screams really loud and makes my heart pretty hard to hear.
2. In my previous relationship, there were red flags everywhere but no one ever came up to me and told me a story regarding the cheating of my then boyfriend. In this relationship, there are no red flags...at all. In fact, Rob is with me a good portion of the time if he's not at work or school (and those schedules are consistent and the same every week). But, I've had people come up to me and tell me stories regarding his infidelity.
I honestly feel like my life is turning out like Othello and guess who's the protagonist that fucks up everything? I feel that since I've received warning I should be able to stop it before it happens.
The second piece of advice was trust him until he gives me a reason not to trust him. Truth: Rob has never given me a reason not to trust him; but there are other people who have given me reasons not to trust him. I don't want to play the part of the fool but I also don't want to lose someone who makes me feel as happy and as complete as he does. So, that's life in a nutshell right now and sorting it out is harder than finding the dollar bill you used fifteen years ago to buy a piece of gum.
I plan on trying to write more often but if things get a little busy, I'm going to have to take brief couple day hiatuses. I bet you can understand how life gets in the way of life.
Mid-term grades are in and I did surprisingly well.
Three A's and a B. Not too bad for not being as prepared as I could have been. Looking at my calendar I've realized November and December are going to absolute hell in the school department. I have two research papers due within days of each other (and by research paper I mean 10-12 pages). Ugh. Of course I had to declare an English major.
Wait! Epic tangent time!
I hate catching a lot of flack for being an English major. Ummm, it's just like any other major. Okay, granted I won't be doing brain surgery but 78% of the people who go to college with some ridiculous expectation (like double major in Bio and Chem) wind up dropping their major for something like Political Science or Philosophy. Don't get me wrong, there are people who can do the double science major and more power to them (we need people like that in the world). However, there has to be a passion driving any and all major choices. I was lucky enough to know my junior year of high school that I wanted to be a teacher and that I have a deep love for classic literature and an even deeper love for Medieval texts and rhetorical analysis.
I hear all the time that English isn't a real major. Well buddy, my basic reading schedule is approximately 300-400 pages a week (for four classes) (whether I actually do it or not is up to me) but that's how much reading is assigned. Not to mention we usually have two-three papers per class per semester. That means that taking four classes with two papers a class is eight papers of varying lengths. (and I did that math without having a math major -_-). Usually, one of the papers per class is a short six-eight pages (and yes, I said short) with the second paper usually being a longer research paper of about 10-15 pages. Now.. we're getting in double digits so the amount of pages I have to write per semester can be left to the math majors but I'm pretty sure it's a lot. So, I don't want to hear that English is an easy major. We do a lot of work. Not to mention we have to sit in a classroom full of people and fight to make thought provoking observations before the person next to us; a good portion of our time is spent being told we'll never be as good as Shakespeare and trying to outdo our peers in analysis. So, it's also a self-esteem killer.
Pretty sure I've proved my point that English is a real major that requires a substantial amount of work and dignity.
End epic rant.
Anyway, one of my most awesome friends has a video blog (yeah, I'm jealous): check it out! He's super amazing: Anderson's Vlog.
Now that's my advertising for the moment.
My personal life is a little shaky right now. So shaky that I actually purchased a self-help book to aid in the conquering of my Othello Complex. I'm super stoked about the book, Intense Jealousy. check out the link here. This doctor works a lot with mental disorders and self-help. Of course the disclaimer is that these books should never be used in substitution or replace the diagnosis of a doctor. They're best used in order to become more self-aware and in conjunction with therapeutic professional aid.
God, advertising again. So many great things in the world.
People keep telling me things about my fiance that allude to infidelity (if not outright infidelity). A girl messaged me via Facebook once and told me he was a sex addict who kept badgering her to sleep with him. Granted, they were old friends who never did anything sexual with one another and had had a falling out the night before; apparently she lied in order to get back at him. However, things keep happening regarding my fiance and his supposed "textual" affairs, we'll call them.
Needless to say, it happened again. I was told by a close friend of mine that in the spring (before we were together) my fiance had been badgering a girl to sleep with him; this girl was married and apparently having marital problems. Around the time we got together, he apparently texted her again saying that the window of opportunity for them to sleep together must have closed only with her to apparently reply that it was never opened in the first place.
The messenger is someone whom I trust. "If you confront him, he's going to deny it."
My fiance and I got into a heated argument that had me in tears screaming and his stuff packed (because I threw it all at him). I went as far as to take my engagement ring off, put it in a box and threw the tiny jewelry box on his pile of unfolded clothes.
He didn't deny it. He had fooled around with this girl before: the key word being before and the it being before we got together. He however, never remembers texting her during out relationship regarding anything about their past.
This leads me to this limbo like state. He's has admitting to have a past "fling" with this girl; however, he claims that he never texted her sexually since we've been together and that it's quite possible her time line is a little off since their fling was pretty close to the beginning of Summer/end of Spring and him and I got together in June. Regardless, I don't know what to believe. I understand that people get their time lines confused all the time. I'm guilty of this. Ask me when my ex left me and I can tell you he broke up at four year relationship on May 28 through a text message. Yet, ask me what I did last week and I have no idea.
However, this is happening a little too often for it to be just a coincidence in my opinion.
I've talked to a couple of friends and have heard two responses. 1. Follow your heart. (well, my heart wants to believe that none of it is true) but my brain screams really loud and makes my heart pretty hard to hear.
2. In my previous relationship, there were red flags everywhere but no one ever came up to me and told me a story regarding the cheating of my then boyfriend. In this relationship, there are no red flags...at all. In fact, Rob is with me a good portion of the time if he's not at work or school (and those schedules are consistent and the same every week). But, I've had people come up to me and tell me stories regarding his infidelity.
I honestly feel like my life is turning out like Othello and guess who's the protagonist that fucks up everything? I feel that since I've received warning I should be able to stop it before it happens.
The second piece of advice was trust him until he gives me a reason not to trust him. Truth: Rob has never given me a reason not to trust him; but there are other people who have given me reasons not to trust him. I don't want to play the part of the fool but I also don't want to lose someone who makes me feel as happy and as complete as he does. So, that's life in a nutshell right now and sorting it out is harder than finding the dollar bill you used fifteen years ago to buy a piece of gum.
I plan on trying to write more often but if things get a little busy, I'm going to have to take brief couple day hiatuses. I bet you can understand how life gets in the way of life.
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